As the holiday's approach, I am bracing for a new set of emotions to set in. I have often heard that the holidays are one of the saddest times for people. I never really understood that until now. It's a time when you must go on and live and love and celebrate with those you love...all the while there is an empty chair at the table...a stocking that will not be filled for my brown-eyed boy.
Perspective
It got me thinking about how I would survive this holiday season. I remembered a few years back when my husband lost his job. It was a very hard time to say the least, but I would try so hard to put it in perspective.
I would say, “It’s not that bad...we have our health, we have our family, and no one can take Jesus from us. We are together and everything will be ok.”
But that perspective has been tainted. We are not all together...our celebration will never be the same. Today I cleaned out my son's room for the first time in 8 months. I boxed up some of his things and finally put the sympathy cards away.
Decorating his room
I wanted his room to stay as it was...his shoes by his bed waiting to be put on. If I didn't move anything, I could somehow trick myself into thinking that what I know to be true may not actually be.
My inspiration to actually go into his room was to transform it into Christmas. He loved Christmas and all that goes with it. He would help me with Christmas decor and just be so happy.
So I thought I would decorate his room for Christmas so that it would be a place of peace and remembering for anyone who wished to spend a little time there.
I felt this was a good idea as I’d been racking my brain trying to figure out how to remember and honor him this holiday season. How I can comfort my family as we walk this cheerful time with such heaviness?
John Rudy loved Christmas. He came to life and let his emotions show during this magical time. Many of our best memories are with Rudy at Christmas. This was going to make it extra hard for each of us.
A Christmas tree would be the perfect thing for his room...with blue lights...his favorite color. I decided to add white lights too as they reminded me of heaven and the pure beauty Rudy must be enjoying.
His room could also be a place where we could wrap gifts and listen to Christmas music. As I got out the bin filled with gift bags and wrapping paper, my eye caught a tag that was made to Rudy.
I think I stopped breathing for a second. It hit me that I would not be writing any of those this year. There would be no gifts picked out just for him...gifts that would bring that beautiful smile to his face.
Giver of all good gifts
But as God always does, He reminded me in that moment that He is the giver of all good gifts. He sent His precious Son, born of a virgin, to take my place on that cross and be forgiven of my sins.
There is no material thing I could ever put under the tree that would compare to the gift of Jesus. Rudy is happy, whole, with no more tears or pain.
I am so very thankful that I was able to lead John Rudy to faith in Christ soon after he came to live with us.
And the last month of his life was nothing short of a sweet time with my boy.
Such restoration took place. Because...for all the years Rudy pushed me away, God was still at work.
God was gently loving on my brown-eyed boy and He graciously gave me a beautiful ending to our time together.
So my perspective towards very hard things has definitely changed.
I can no longer say that we... “Have our family”...in that way... because we will never all be together again this side of heaven.
And yet, my perspective on this takes on a more glorious meaning.
For I now say,
“It’s not that bad...we have our health...we have a family to love and lean on as we face this hard thing together, and no one can take Jesus from us. We will be together again one day...a beautiful and glorious day...and everything will be ok.”
So this Christmas as you too reflect on the hard thing of loss, let God...the giver of every good gift...comfort you...even in this. He sees every tear and He knows the pain you feel and oh how He loves you.
I’ll end with this beautiful reminder:
Our friends, we want you to know the truth about those who have died so that you will not be sad, as are those who have no hope.
I Thessalonians 4:13 (Good News Translation)
Bitter Sweet...absolutely.
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