The deep sorrow of losing a child can overwhelm and grip the heart so that breathing becomes shallow and one feels life being sucked out. It paralizes to the core as if nothing matters.
I penned the above words in my journal on March 23, 2019, just 12 days after Rudy passed. I continued to read my own words with curiosity. What was I feeling just shy of two weeks into grieving? I continued reading:
"But then I turn to Jesus! My heart flutters with such gratitude at His work on the cross. The blessed hope that Rudy is made whole.
I will praise my Father in harmony with my son. He is in the presence of Almighty God.
I am still here fighting against the flesh to find rest in light of these circumstances.
I choose to be thankful. It does my heart good. I choose to see Rudy smiling and free. He is so lucky to be at rest with his Savior. His reality.
Life is defined not by circumstances, but by our Creator God. "
It Flows so Very Deep
I began to question my own words. Is that what I have experienced these long 8 months since? Has God been good to me? Do I still praise Him?
In that moment, I question these things because sorrow flows so very deep that it knocks me down and I grasp for air to reach upward. It hits out of nowhere...no warning...no sign...just hits out of nowhere. These waves of emotion still crash against my thoughts and I struggle to break free.
In the end, however, I come to the conclusion that yes, I can say with confidence that God has indeed been good to me and I still praise Him.
He has been the wind behind each painful breath. He has been my strength when my emotions get the best of me. He holds me with His steadfast love assuring me that I can trust Him even in this as I cling to His word and the promises He has given.
Fighting Hard
But the struggle is real. Thanksgiving is this week...a day we gather with family and thank God for all He hath done. Will that change for me this year? Will I hold back a bit because what God hath done is called my son home? He was only 25 and God called him home so soon.
There are days that I have to fight hard to trust God's timing. But in my heart...in that deep, deep place, somewhere beyond the hurt I know that it is well with my soul. I know that God is worthy of my praise and I can indeed trust Him even in this.
I love reading and one book I found at our church bookstore was written by David Powlison called God's Grace in your Suffering. The book is based on the hymn..."How Firm a Foundation" This is what the third stanza says:
"When through the deep waters I call you to go, the rivers of sorrow shall not overflow; for I will be with you, your troubles to bless, and sanctify to you your deepest distress." - Author Unknown
In chapter 5; pg. 74 he writes:
"We struggle because hard things come at us from outside and because dark things come from inside us. Our experience, both objectively and subjectively, cries out in need for intervening grace." - David Powlison
https://www.amazon.com/David-Powlison/e/B001JOTTKS
As I pondered these words, it was sinking in a little more that because of God's grace and His love for me, I can embrace His love all the more. I can be MORE thankful. Why? Because, although God chose to take my precious brown eyed boy so soon, He is my living hope.
So I can choose to focus on what I lost or I can calm my heart in light of the work on the cross.
An Empty Seat
This Thanksgiving I will be "That Mom" who has an empty seat at the table. I honestly don't know what things may trigger my emotions. I think one may be the mashed potatoes. Rudy loved mashed potatoes! I will miss Josh and Rudy laughing hysterically at something...probably my runny lemon meringue pie that never sets quite right.
My heart continues to ache to see Rudy again. I want him to be at the table with us this year, BUT GOD has taught me much about a thankful heart.
And I simply must choose to trust Him.
So this year I will thank God for ALL He hath done. I will thank Him that even though this Thanksgiving will force us to face a "new normal" He is still good. Rudy is in the presence of Almighty God. I can't tell you how very thankful I am for that.
I am beyond thankful for the 15 Thanksgivings I had with my beautiful boy. God did not have to gift us such a precious soul, but I am so thankful that He picked us to be his parents. The ones blessed to be his “Ma.”
When you lose a child, the work on the cross, becomes an anchor for the soul. Truly, it only makes you MORE thankful...otherwise I would find this holiday full of hopelessness and probably wouldn't make it out of bed.
BUT GOD! Oh BUT GOD! He has gone before us and made a way so that we can be assured of what is to come. Death has lost its sting! Christ victorious!
I pray for you today that sorrow.... seen in the light of Jesus will help as you walk this journey of sorrow and suffering with me. I'll leave you with this beautiful verse:
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16
Bittersweet...absolutely.
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