As my husband and I planned our Saturday a month back, we knew we needed some time away. We longed for some healing and time to process the loss of our son. We went to a little chapel close by. It’s a special chapel to us...the same chapel we have gone many times to pray together and cry out to God for answers. We prayed for God to show us, comfort us...Scott asked that God would guide our steps as we ventured out on this beautiful Saturday...show us Lord where to go that would be meaningful to us and to Rudy.
First, we ate breakfast at a local
restaurant, Curt’s, and as we were pulling out of the parking lot I saw a huge cross that Christ Place Church had recently erected. It was breathe taking really. We then turned onto Falcon Parkway...opposite the direction I thought we were going. As we continued to drive, my heart sank as I realized where we were headed...I had the feeling in the pit of my stomach like I did when I was a child riding in the car with my mom and realizing that we were almost at the doctor’s office. I hated doctor visits because I always got a shot...always.
We were headed to the cemetery.
The cemetery where our son’s ashes will soon be laid to rest. Right before we turned in and I mean right before, a crazy thing happened...a God thing. Coldplay began playing on the radio. This song was one of Rudy’s favorites. We had played it for him in the hospital. We had chosen it as the background music for a video played at his Memorial Service. What is interesting about this song playing is that I rarely listen to secular stations(not that it’s bad, I just enjoy Christian music). So there we were...this song playing...Rudy’s song. Scott and I looked at each other with a surprising look. Did this song really come on at this very moment? Ok, God, I thought, lead the way. We pulled in, drove around, stopped and sat silently.
How many years will it be before we see him again? I want to see him now! My mind went wild with memories, regrets, wonder...when will I see him again. At that moment, I longed for heaven...for the waiting to be over. It has only been 4 months...how long will I have to endure this heartbreak....this new normal of which I hate.
We drove out of the cemetery and got on the interstate. To my right, I could see the restaurant where we had eaten breakfast and the beautiful cross I had noticed earlier. Full Circle...we had just gone circle. Just like Rudy when he left home for a few years and then found his way back to us 10 months before his heart attack. He had gone full circle. God leading him home to be reconciled and to give us settled peace as we journey ahead without him...a journey where we go forward with only memories of Rudy and not him physically. Oh how he is always with me. In my thoughts, he is ever constant.
As we ventured up the mountain to one of our favorite places, we passed a cemetery. Death is such a chronic circumstance. It’s always there and will never go away or be healed. Now think about that for a moment. Is that true? In the light of this life, yes, but in the light of heaven, no! Tears will one day be wiped away and broken hearts restored.
Joy comes in the Morning
God was with us on that blessed Saturday, guiding our steps, reminding us that He is indeed faithful even in this. He answered our prayers and more healing had taken place. It’s a long road that will never end this side of heaven...there are ups and downs...smiles and tears...hope and longing...but the cross is forever embedded in my thoughts from that day. The cross, a symbol of what my Savior did for me and you in giving the blessed hope of seeing our loved ones again. Oh how even more precious it is to me now.
So I rejoice in the God of my salvation that this is not the end...because of the work Jesus did on the cross, I have this blessed hope! Praise be to the God of my salvation.
Those who hope in me will not be disappointed
Isaiah 49:23 Bitter Sweet...absolutely.
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