Remembering
As I try hard to remember, I’ve been reading my last years journal entries from March, his last text messages to me, etc. to relive what was happening the days that lead up to Rudy’s heart attack. A few days ago, I was remembering when Rudy had been in the hospital for 3 days. We weren’t sure of his brain or heart function as he was in a cooling then warming process to allow the brain to heal. Up to this point, we were continuously told that there was no hope. Even if his heart began working on its own, he most likely had little brain function. I stayed positive...trusting God for a miracle. My husband tried to talk some sense into me...knowing how devastating it would be for both of us if we lost him. Day 3 (March 3, 2019) began like a nightmare. A large group of doctors and nurses filled Rudy’s room and we were again told that for sure there was little brain function and that we should choose to let him go. We were stunned. What? He is still cooling and not even warmed up! This cannot be happening! Josh(his brother)asked for one more day. Give Rudy some time to come out of sedation for goodness sake. So on that very hard Sunday afternoon, we chose to wait one more day to make that call. We informed friends and family to come say goodbye. We would make the decision tomorrow. But all the while I continually cried out, “God, please don’t make us have to make this call. That is too hard for us. Lord, its too hard. I begged and begged the Lord to not end things this way. We were in such disbelief. God had always come through for Rudy. We had seen it so many times. Together Scott, the kids, and I went down to the hospital chapel. We needed some time alone to process this. We cried out to God to save Rudy. He could choose to save Him. Only He could do it....our only hope. The doctor’s and nurses gave us none. Before we left the little chapel, I played a song by Matt Redman. The Lord put this song in my heart around the first of February, and I had listened to it every night over and over as I went to sleep. The first line of the song says, “Who has the power to raise the dead.”
When I first heard of Rudy’s heart attack and how he had been without a heartbeat for 90 minutes...God flooded my mind with this song....Jesus only Jesus. I would claim it for Rudy. Surely, that’s what God intended...for He has the power to raise the dead.
Newness of Life
But on March 11, 2019, God did not choose to raise Rudy up from that bed. After 8 more days in the hospital, we would go home without him.
Again, I kept going back to that song. “Who has the power to raise the dead.” God, I got it all wrong! You didn’t raise Rudy up!
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. God had known all along the outcome. He alone knew why I would need that song.
Because His answer would be no. He would call Rudy home to be with Him in glory.
He gave me the song as an anchor for my soul. For He wanted me to be grounded in Him...deeply rooted in the truth that He alone has the power to raise the dead.
What God allowed was far better because Rudy had been raised to newness of life. God had indeed raised Him up and He didn’t want me to forget it.
God knew His answer was not what I prayed for and it would hurt deeply.
He knew that He was allowing something that would cause my heart to long for my child every day. A hurt that would never completely heal this side of heaven.
God knew...before it all...He knew.
I could choose to trust that or I could choose...in my pain...to walk away from the God that I built my life upon. After all, it was God who stirred my heart to adopt in the first place.
For All Who Believe
Romans 6:4 says,
Therefore we were buried with Him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too may walk in newness of life.
That is where the bittersweet comes in...not as I would have wanted...but better by far for Rudy...so much better for him.
But this newness of life is not just for me or Rudy, but for all who put our faith and trust in God. If you are a child of the most high God, if you have placed your trust in Him, asking forgiveness of sins, and turning to Him alone, you too will be raised to walk in newness of life.
Right now though...although I know all these things to be true and I simply trust....oh how I miss my brown-eyed boy. It is a hurt I cannot describe. Time does not seem to heal. It’s like there is a sore that starts to heal and then out of nowhere is ripped open again and the healing starts over...maybe not quite to the depth but a rip just the same.
A Little More Healing
A few Sunday nights ago, our church had a night of worship and would you believe one of the songs was Jesus only Jesus? I thought I was going to pass out. You see, not only did God give me this song a month before Rudy’s passing or the song our family listened to in the hospital chapel. It was also the song we played at Rudy’s Memorial Service.
So when I heard that song it stung. My husband grabbed my hand and we wept bitterly together trying to gain our composure. But as the song continued God graced us with a little more healing, because you see, the song also says,
YOU WILL COMMAND THE HIGHEST PRAISE
YOURS IS THE NAME ABOVE ALL NAMES
YOU STAND ALONE, I STAND AMAZED, JESUS ONLY JESUS!
Do you see it? Is that not a powerful reminder?! This song pointed me to Jesus and the vastness of my great God. The anchor for my soul.
How gracious a God who continued to draw me to Himself. He, who kept leading me back to such powerful truths.
I could only think how gracious a God to go before me and give me this song. A song that prepared my heart to be “That Mom” who would have a child in heaven waiting for me.
Your Hard Place
Knowing and being reminded in such an orchestrated fashion that it is Jesus and Jesus alone who can raise the dead gives such precious peace...that His name is above all names keeps me grounded in Him. His ways are perfect and I can trust Him even in this. And I bet if you reflect back, you can remember a time that God has done this for you too. Perhaps you are currently in a hard place. Play this song again and let the truths change your thought process, turning your heart to the One who knows. Oh how He loves you dear one. He is your ever present help in times of trouble. He does go before you. He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! Surprisingly(not sure why I am surprised)a little more healing...a tiny, tiny bit...has taken place as I push through remembering. Remembering all the good that He hath done. Bittersweet...absolutely, positively...Bittersweet
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