Today as I woke, I was instantly reminded of what this day holds…sadness, grief, unbearable pain at the 2-year mark of Rudy’s passing. I got up and began my usual morning routine and headed to my favorite spot on the couch ready to read my Bible. But a thought gripped me. Do I really want to pick up my Bible on a day like this when God took my son?
I looked up pondering this though when the closed shades in the dining room caught my eye. Maybe I’ll keep them closed today. I mean today is gonna be hard and maybe I’ll cancel Bible Study too…it will be too much to have the ladies over tonight. With all these thoughts stirring around in my mind, I knew then and there I had a choice to make as to how I would start this horrible day. I could keep those shades closed all day…the world shut out and all the people in it or I could open the shades, reach for my Bible, and fight for joy.
As I contemplated my next move, the phone rang…it was my sweet Mama calling. God knew it was what I needed at that moment and as we chatted, I headed into the dining room and opened those shades! There..I’m gonna fight for joy today! Shortly after, my husband texted and said, “let’s go to breakfast.” I smiled at the thought as it was his way of trying to make some normalcy return to this awful day for the both of us. He too was fighting for joy.
Once home, I decided to text our 4 other kids. I needed to reach out to these beautiful souls of mine..they too were hurting at the loss of their brother. I knew that, like me they were fighting for joy at the thought at what God had allowed. They too had begged God to heal Rudy and it didn’t make sense. I finished the text and continued about my day praying as I went and asked God to help me through without me spiraling into a place of bitterness.
After another crying spell, I decided to turn on the radio and listen to some preachers. Maybe that would give me the push I needed to continue looking towards God and seeing Him as good. I needed some filling up here…a word to cling to.
Nothing really caught my ear, but I did feel more at peace as I continues to fight the emotions that lurked beneath the surface. My daughter brought us lunch and we enjoyed having her here with us…that did the heart much good for us all. Once she left, I decided to clean..,that always helped clear my mind I though. I got out the vacuum cleaner and the noise overwhelmed the room.
All of a sudden, out of nowhere this song flooded my mind…He’s been faithful…faithful to me. Come again I thought? And there it was again at the forefront of my thoughts music and all! I pulled up YouTube and searched for it.
Tears again began to flow as I was overwhelmed at the thought of God seeing my pain and loving me enough to gently remind me that He indeed has been faithful through it all and is still faithful.
I can’t help but thank God today that He invaded my thoughts as I willingly continue to trust Him. And tonight my sweet neighbors will come for Bible Study and my heart again will be filled with the goodness of our God.
So today, I can testify that He has been so very faithful to me and my family even though He chose to take Rudy from us. So take heart dear one, turn to God…allow His peace to comfort you…as hard as it is..for there you will find rest for your weary, broken, grieving soul.
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