9/11. Forever etched in our memory as one of the worst days in American History. If you are like me, you can remember exactly where you were when the news broke. It was an absolutely horrific day that shook our nation to the core. “In God we Trust” was soon plastered everywhere. People feared for safety. It has now been 18 years and we teach the next generation to Never Forget the precious lives lost that day.
Wednesday, 09/11/2019, marked, for me, 6 months since Rudy’s home going. So this year I was consumed with the memory of Rudy’s last day. The day his fever finally got the best of him and his organs began to fail. The day that the doctors took us into the “death room” and told us there was nothing else they could do. The day my other son, Josh and I, who were the only ones at the hospital that early morning, watched him take his last breath. That day when we, as a family, lost all hope for a miracle. After a 10 day stay, we would leave the hospital without him...our Rudy....son, brother, grandson. That day... 3/11/19, forever etched in my memory as the most horrific event I had ever experienced.
“That Mom”
I would now be labeled as “That Mom”. I dreaded this very thing. I did not want to be looked at as, “The One who Lost her Son”. I hate bearing that label because emotions are worn for all to see. There is no escaping the deep sorrow so embedded in my soul that it cannot be held in...it bursts forth with no permission and screams into every crevice of my life. It allows others to look in with peering eyes. It’s not that they mean to, we are all human and sympathize as we can’t imagine what someone else is going through. We wonder and think...what do I say to the friend who has just been diagnosed with cancer? What do I say when someone experiences an unfaithful spouse? There are so many deep places of brokenness that knocks the breath right out of us and it leaves others speechless. I just hate that feeling of awkwardness for others. Maybe this is all made up in my head. It’s just a feeling I get. And I have been on the other side of tragedy looking in. I just didn’t want it to be me.
As the day progressed and I stopped being consumed with myself, I thought about the precious families on that 9/11 day that could relate to being “that mom ”, “that dad”, “that sibling”, “that grandparent”, who lost a loved one. We as a nation mourn with them each year. We listen intently at the reading of each name...the name of the one who lost their life. As I watched, silence filled the air with respect and honor. Many lost their lives...so many. So we continue to teach the next generation to Never Forget. Never.
Evening came and I was exhausted from all this emotional stuff circling in my mind. I happened to pass the hospital where Rudy spent his last days. Where I wrestled with God...pleading for him to spare my child...heal him not in heaven but here on earth. He gave the answer and it was no...and God took him. 5 days shy of him turning 26...God took him.
But I continued on. After I passed the hospital and took a deep breath, I found my way to my friends office. Thankfully, my mom was with me! My friend’s name is Destiny and she has a women’s ministry called DestinyX.tv(check her out!). She is a such a precious lady that has that quiet voice that just calms the heart and speaks truth into your life. She invited me on her Facebook Live to interview me as I shared my testimony of what God has taught me recently through the life of my sweet boy. She called the interview, “Suffering to Breakthrough”. I began to share how we were first called to adoption, and the joys and struggles of it all. I recollected the events that took place 10 days before his heart attack. I got to share how...as I look back...God was using each bit of brokenness to restore Rudy to Himself. I was honestly overwhelmed with God’s goodness as I shared.
We all have a calling
As the interview wrapped up, Destiny reminded me that we each have a calling and Rudy was mine and that of my family. She continued as she spoke to her listeners, “We all have a calling that we are designed to do and when God formed us in our mother’s womb, He already knew the assignment and the plans and what He would put us responsible over...equipping us to do good works in Jesus name.
How many times do we compare our “good works”...our calling...to what God has called others to do. We begin to think that we are failing so miserably. We wonder if we are making a difference at all? Do our efforts even matter? Did God realize who He called to do this thing? It’s just little ole me, Lord! Remember, it’s just me.
I have totally been there, but God used the day(6 months to the day)to heal my broken heart a little more as I looked back and saw His hand orchestrating it all.
So take heart dear one...continue on...be faithful to whatever God has called you to...that hard thing He has allowed you to carry... no matter how great or small you think it may be. God sees the bigger picture and I truly believe that its in the little things that God uses to make the greatest impact. God is writing a story in each of our lives. Rudy’s story continues to shine and point to Jesus. Your story does too. How blessed we are to have a God who entrust us with that special thing for which He designed specifically for us to do. He who has called us is faithful! He is!
For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:10
Bitter Sweet...absolutely.
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