It’s not about me. Please remember that as you read this post. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me...I don’t want you to think of me as “that mom” ...But I guess...I am “that mom.” I'm “that mom” that people feel sorry for...”that mom” that people just don't quite know what to say. With that said, I’m sharing my most traumatic event as “that mom” who has a testimony of God’s faithfulness through it all. Below is an unedited version of my thoughts one day after church. Scott and I were on our way home and I don’t know what triggered it, but all of a sudden I was flooded with this:
I picture the moment that Rudy was about to breathe his last. That moment the life in him would be gone and he would soar to meet the Lord. A lot had transpired the morning thus far. My son, Josh and I were the only ones there that early Monday morning. Rudy’s vitals were so high and his fever still at a dangerous level. We were called into the “death room” that room where the doctors gather to give bad news. They shared how Rudy’s organs were shutting down and it would not be long now. I called for other doctors, I knew there must be something else they could do...my husband was on speaker phone...He asked the doctor’s to leave the room. He said, “Crystal, you have got to let Rudy go....”In that moment I knew in my heart I had to let him go. He had suffered so much and God was choosing to take him home. I said, “ok..“ and began to pray with Josh. How would I get through this?
Josh and I went to Rudy. I began calling family members to come. How do I break the news. We had such hope. They knew this was not ending the way we prayed. As I finished up, I moved closer to Rudy. I somehow still didn’t want him to hear my conversations with others...I didn’t want him to know that death was soon to come. I wanted to protect him...oh how I wanted to protect him. Josh was still the only one there in the room with me and Rudy. Two brothers...and oh how God could not have given Josh a more perfect brother than Rudy. This was the only morning Josh had been with me as my sister in-law had just returned to Va. and she had been with me and Scott every morning. But this morning it was just Josh and myself. And I thought in that moment how good God was to these two boys. It was a comfort for Rudy to have Josh’s voice to hear. For it was Josh’s voice that Rudy had first opened his eyes days before...when we were told Rudy had little brain function.
My thoughts were overwhelmed with grief for Josh. He had such hope for a miracle. He was by Rudy’s side just staring into his face. My heart...oh my heart. The thoughts then shifted from Josh to Rudy as I studied Rudy’s face. I took Rudy’s hand and caressed it ever so gently. His arm was so swollen with all the meds they had been pumping into him. It caught me off guard as I began to see how very much he had been suffering in that bed these long 10 days and especially through this last night. I studied again hard his beautiful face as I stroked his forehead and his corse, curly hair. I remembered the first time I laid eyes him. He was so broken even then. But here we were. I talked to Rudy and told him that he would soon see Jesus. It was ok for him to go. Within seconds...all of a sudden...with no warning, his eyes opened wide as if in amazement...he gasped...then closed his eyes again. I looked at his heart to see if it was beating...it was not pumping. I said to Josh, “I think he just died.” But we were confused because His breathing continued...he was still hooked up to the ventilator.
Family began arriving and the reality of what happened put us all in a state of shock. Sisters came...I was asked, “Is he gone?” As we could see his chest fill with air and then deflate. I said, “Yes, I think so, but God says that as long as there is breath...right? And they cried and caressed his beautiful hands...one on each side of him. Another sister came and brother-in-law...more tears and holding of hands...and hugs...so many tear stained hugs...then grandfather...then Pastor Brian Hall and Pastor Jarod Cagle came and we all filled the room. Finally, my husband who was miles away arrived. Oh how I longed for Scott to be by my side. He said he so badly wanted to pass by the hospital exit and keep going as if this wasn’t happening, but it was. Our son going to be with Jesus...today...at the age of 25...5 days short of being 26.
And then a boldness came over me. A peace I can’t describe. I remember telling everyone that Rudy was with Jesus and that we would fight hard to trust His timing. I told them that God is good...He is...even in this. I feared that my kids...his siblings... would let anger seep in as we didn’t see a miracle...the miracle we prayed for for 10 days. The God who says all things are possible with Him.
Pastor Hall prayed as we held hands around our beautiful boy. I honestly don’t remember what he said, but I do know that I felt the presence of the Lord in that room. I will not continue to retell all that happened as those things are treasured deep down in my heart...locked up for only me.
I will say, however, that I never dreamed we would leave without him. I remember my husband beating the bed where John Rudy’s body lay. It’s not supposed to be this way. That’s it? We go home without our son? God, No! Breathe your life back into him? Do a miracle Lord! I believe with all my heart! I do!
But God whispered, No, he is with me. Happy and whole.” Remember all that I have showed you these past few weeks. Trust me even in this.” So I chose to trust. What else could I do? Where else could I turn? Did I trust God or not...simple as that.
So after our last moments with our son, we left the room and began the arrangements for his body. We were standing at the nurses station and as I looked over I saw the door where I would not walk through again. I would not enter those doors with hope as I had done the last 10 days. Then something caught my eye. I noticed that placed over the door was a dove. I had seen it over the doors of other rooms and I now realize it was because death had entered there. I had walked around so consumed with myself that I had not noticed all the deaths that surrounded me. There were many broken families that had also lost a loved one.
Later as I was making more funeral arrangements, I kept thinking of that dove. It hit me that the dove was chosen because it symbolized peace. My son knew Jesus. He had professed his faith in Christ shortly after coming to live with us. This same Jesus had cared for Rudy all these years and never wavered in his steadfast love for him.
Rudy suffered much in his life...heart disease, abandonment, disabilities...to name a few..BUT God never stopped pursuing the heart of this precious child...and that is why I can write today and say it is truly a beautiful love story. A story of how God so loved John Rudy that He never stopped pursuing the heart of this child. He allowed such suffering and brokenness and as Elisabeth Elliot says, “Suffering is Never for Nothing.”
I will write sometime about the last month of Rudy’s life as it will help you to put together more of the story. God was stirring and moving in Rudy’s heart and allowed The brokenness to come to a head and healing to begin....a healing that we did not pray for those last 10 days, but a healing far better.
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
Psalm 34:18 Every Sunday morning at church during worship, I picture Rudy with Jesus, rejoicing and praising God. I can see his beautiful smile and hear his laughter. He is healed...no more sorrow...no more pain...no more self doubt...no more anxiety. He is in the presence of Jesus. One day I will praise God with him! How can I not be filled with joy?
So this is the heart of my writing. God shining through the brokenness of my heart and healing the hurt of God taking my son as well as the joy only He can give. I am writing a book on Rudy’s life and what God has taught me. It is my testimony of a faithful God who can do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine. I can still breathe, I can still love, I can still laugh....because of Jesus...my living hope.
Remember then that God loves you more than you will ever know. He loves you so much that He will not leave you without hope but instead can fill you with joy unspeakable...no matter what he chooses...even taking the most precious of treasures.
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